The Beautiful Chaos
The Beautiful Chaos
A Journey of Self-Discovery and Unexpected Joy
This modified excerpt is from my book Beauty in the Wreckage:
I wasn't having a mid-life crisis in my 30s, nor was I depressed. However, my wife frequently caught me sitting at the dinner table by myself, staring out the window into the backyard. I don't know what I was looking for, but maybe it was a joy that eluded me.
It seemed as if my life was about enduring each day, and I was only happy when anticipating something big or exciting. I battled through each day, hoping for some larger outcome. My happiness and joy were predicated only on what I wanted or believed I deserved or needed out of life. I was so blind that I could not see the beauty around me, so ignorant of the miracle and mystery in which I lived and breathed.
However, there was a moment when it all started to change for me. I was in the family room after supper with my two daughters. They were playing with each other on the floor, but it was the kind of playing that just grates on the nerves of a parent - loud, excessive playing.
Feeling tired from a long day at work and not very well, I had been wishing it was a bit later so I could put them to bed. At that exact moment, something hit me, and I closed my eyes, resting my head on the back of the couch, just listening. I heard Caroline's sweet voice, Anna laughing at her, my wife cleaning up in the kitchen, and Aberdeen, my dog, running around and barking at the girls. It was complete chaos, but the most beautiful chaos I had ever heard.
Tears ran down my face, and I thanked God. I was there again, in that place. Life was far from perfect, but I was fully present and wholly embraced. There was an abundance in that ordinary moment that was deep and overflowing. It was so good.
I felt like Emily Webb from the Thornton Wilder play Our Town, but rather than looking back in pain and regret like Emily Webb, for blindly missing the treasure of every moment before it was too late, I was resolved to begin living this life to the fullest while I still had the opportunity and to begin learning how to see and experience it in its fullness, even when it is tough, even when it is painful, even when I hurt, even when I want to give up. My life was going to change. My mind needed to change. I needed a new heart. I needed eyes that could see clearly. I longed for happiness, joy, and presence. And at that moment, I knew it was possible in my adult life in ways I had never imagined.
That is where my pursuit began, on the couch in the middle of chaos, in the least likely place to discover joy and gratitude.
Question
Have you ever experienced a moment of joy amidst chaos in your life, and what lessons did you take from that experience?
Peace,
Brandon
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