The Not Very Neighborly Lesson

From Self-Interest to Community Connection

We have lived in our Sandy Hook neighborhood for over twenty years. Many good people have come and gone during that time, either by moving or passing away. I was recently reminded of some next-door neighbors we had when we first moved in—an older gentleman and his wife, both in their late 90s.

After a few years of living in our house and while I was at work, the near centenarian ambled to our back door and rapped on the glass with his wooden cane. When my wife greeted him and exchanged pleasantries, he told her I was “not very neighborly.” Yes, that was the point of his visit—to let Jenny know that her husband was not neighborly.

Of course, when I got home from work, I was surprised by the visit and accusation. But not being one to immediately dismiss anyone’s perspective, especially one’s negative view of me, I meditated on the charge. I thought about how I would frequently put his garbage cans away without him knowing and greet him when we were outside. While I felt his view of being neighborly was limited, I knew what he wanted—a longer, sit-down visit from me. He wanted to get to know me. But I did not want to give him the time or the investment. Tough words to admit. Tough words to put on paper.

This past Saturday, Jenny and I went to one of the local high schools, Columbus North, to see my niece graduate. Unfortunately, the graduation took longer than we expected, and Jenny had to leave so she could prepare for graduation at Columbus East, where she works. She took the car and left me behind to finish watching. Immediately after my niece received her diploma, I walked out to the street corner and requested an Uber ride to get home. On the same street corner, a lady stood waiting for someone to pick her up.

“I can’t believe how long it is taking my husband to get here,” she said. I laughed and explained my unique situation about my wife taking the car to prepare for graduation and leaving me behind. She asked who my wife was, and I told her. She laughed and said she knew Jenny because they lived in our subdivision a few streets over. Then, she insisted I cancel my Uber ride so they could take me home.

As I eventually got into their car, I considered their kindness. But then I realized I only received their kindness because my wife knew them, not me. She knew Jenny because Jenny had spent time talking to her and getting to know her. 

Gut punch.

While I would argue that I know more of my neighbors now than ever, I can't help but feel the weight of missed opportunities to know them more deeply. I could continue to hide behind my introversion or the culturally conditioned norm of social isolation and never have to know anyone who lives around me. But the truth is that those excuses are facades that obscure the fact that I am selfish with my time.

What I am learning, though, as I reflect on the old man at my back door, the kind neighbors who gave me a ride, and pushing myself into longer conversations with my neighbors recently, is that being neighborly goes beyond mere pleasantries and occasional acts of kindness. It’s about being present, knowing the people around you, and genuinely caring about their lives. These interactions are the stitches in the fabric of our communities, weaving us closer together and making the fabric stronger, from giving advice to being a shoulder to cry on to investing in our children’s lives. I may never be a world-class conversationalist, but I realize how much we need people in our lives and how much they need us.

Question

In what ways can I be more present and engaged with the people in my community to help strengthen the fabric of our connections?

Peace,

Brandon