Therapy on Taco Tuesday

How a Changed Plan Brought Up an Old Pattern

I was making guacamole the other night.

Quick side note: I make really good guac.

But as I mashed the avocados with my stone pestle, I felt a tightness rise in my chest. It’s a familiar pressure—one I’ve carried for as long as I can remember—but I’ve been trying to meet it head-on whenever it shows up.

So on Taco Tuesday, I decided to name it.

“Why are you here?” I asked.

“I’m here because you’re angry,” it answered.

I grabbed the half lime, squeezing it harder than I needed to while replaying the last hour, trying to pinpoint exactly what was irritating me. My wife saw the shift in my face.

“What’s going on?”

“Just give me a minute,” I said. “I’m trying to work through it.”

I know it can sound strange talking to myself—like I’m having a psychotic break or something. But this is what the early stages of awareness look like for me in real time. As an Enneagram 1, I feel a constant simmer when things don’t go the way they’re “supposed” to, or when anything slips out of place. And instead of turning that energy toward something good, I repress it until it comes out sideways.

If there’s ever going to be a break in that cycle, I have to pay attention to what my body is telling me in the moment.

“I know why you’re here,” I finally said. “The plans I had for tonight changed.”

“Yes,” the feeling said. “All day you planned to go to the game. But everyone else wants to watch Stranger Things.”

True story.

That was the hinge moment—the little click of clarity.

I took a long breath and told the feeling it could leave. The river of the evening was already flowing in a different direction, and I could either fight it or let it carry me. There will be other games. But there won’t always be nights like this with the people I love.

I didn’t want to miss the moment by holding on to resentment over something that didn’t happen.

Breaking this pattern is hard. Moving from unhealth to health is slow, uneven work. This was one small victory in a long history of losses. But it was a victory. And I’m hoping they start coming more often.

Thankfully, I’m surrounded by people who offer grace and patience while I learn how to loosen my grip, breathe deeper, and let myself flow with the river instead of resisting it.

Question

What long-held pattern is asking for your attention, and are you ready to meet it with honesty instead of avoidance?

Peace,

Brandon

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